7/24/2013 -- Back & Biceps

I worked out alone today, which, to be honest, was kind of nice. There was only one or two other people in the gym, I wasn't terribly worried about moving between machines. I got to go at my own pace, listen to my music and focus on each and every lift. I went through seven exercises and raised the weights, doing at least a little more on each than last week.

Wednesday weights:

3 set/12 rep Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown @ 40 lbs
3 set/12 rep Dumbbell Row, One-Arm, Bent-Over @ 15 lbs
3 set/12 rep Seated Cable Row @ 4 lbs
3 set/12 rep Underhand Cable Pulldowns @ 40 lbs
3 set/12 rep Dumbbell Alternate Bicep Curl @ 15 lbs
3 set/12 rep One Arm Dumbbell Preacher Curl @ 15 lbs
3 set/12 rep Standing Biceps Cable Curl @ 4 lbs

Cardio:

Walk @ 3.5 mph for 10 minutes
Jog @ 5.2 mph for 2 minutes

I was having a good conversation with a friend of mine yesterday who mentioned the "Fat Acceptance" movement. Another friend brought out the phenomenon of fat people wanting to stay fat because it's scary to lose that weight. It brought me back to the days I remember losing weight and thinking about what it meant for me in the long run.

I was scared. I wanted people to just accept me as I was. I didn't want to face the days, weeks, months and potentially even years that would be required of me to lose the weight. And then what about the maintenance "phase" that everyone talked about? I had come to rely on my fat, funny personality to win me friends-- what would happen if that wasn't me anymore? Would my friends still like me? Or would I be abandoned? Left alone?

I was taking huge amounts of pain killers to be able to move around at all. I was eating too much as a comfort eating. My doctor told me I was a "compulsive over eater" with "binge" tendencies. My psychologist told me the same thing, but mixed it with "borderline personality disorder". Everyone fed me pills and told me to just be me and that's all anyone could expect.

I wish someone had told me not to accept that shit. I wish someone has said, "God dammit, Nicole. You're enormous. You're sick, physically and emotionally. You're not okay the way you are and you're going to die if you keep this up." I wish my doctors had not fed me pharmaceuticals to shut me up and get me out the door while pocketing a couple of extra dollars.

It's been four years since I finished losing over 100 pounds. It's been four years since I took my last pain pill to be able to get up and walk. It's been four years and there are still some residual mental issues accompanying my weight and self image, but each day is a new chance to be a little better, be more fit and do a little more of what's right for me. 

I encourage each man and woman to evaluate their lives on a daily basis. You can always do something today that's a little better than what you did yesterday. I challenge myself each morning to be a slightly better person, a slightly healthier person and slightly more compassionate person that I was the day before. Those "slightly"s add up more quickly than you'd imagine. And trust me, you'll be happier and more in love with that person you're becoming than you ever imagined.